Oh, how things have changed. How quickly life can twist and turn and end up looking completely different in the blink of an eye. My life looks much different than it did a couple of weeks ago. This change has been traumatizing, eye-opening. and heart-opening to say the least.
As I discussed in my last post, I was supposed to be moving to Colorado at the end of the month with my other half since we weren’t financially able to stay in the Bay Area. This news was hard for me to stomach since my teaching career was taking off and I was in the middle of my 300-hour teacher training, which was already paid for. I came to terms with the reality of our situation and remained positive about our future together.
Two weeks ago, my relationship came to an abrupt end. It ended in a way that was very hurtful and confusing for me and I was left with nothing, but questions. I went into survival mode and decided I had to leave for Colorado early. My good friend, who I will forever be so grateful for, flew out the very next day, rented a car and drove me back with my two cats in a straight 20-hour shot. I cried the whole way as I tried to sober up to the reality of what was happening. I didn’t know what was happening.
I got to my parent’s house and spent days in bed, not eating or sleeping. In a matter of days, I had quit all of my classes, I quit my teacher training, I lost the love of my life (or who I thought was), and I was living with my parents with no car and no money. I began to realize that I may not have known the person that I moved across the country for as well as I thought, which made me delirious with sadness and sick to my stomach. My days consisted of staring at the wall in a catatonic state or sobbing hysterically. I had never known such hurt, such shock and I was certain that it would eat me alive.
In the midst of my grieving, I had enough clarity to tell myself that I had to stay sane. Me, myself and I discussed how important it was to keep the mind clean and clear, it was very important that I didn’t go downhill too far. I knew it meant I had to sit. I had to meditate, I had to engage in sanity. Surprisingly enough, I had the gumption to peel myself out of bed from day one and go to the Boulder Shambhala Center to sit. The first day I went, it was a Sunday, I sat for three hours. I’d never sat for that long, I never knew I could especially amidst the enormous heartache I was experiencing. That day was pivotal for me, it was the day that I realized that I could endure immense emotional suffering. That day was a game changer for me, I realized how strong I was. I still grieved heavily for days and as I did, I continued to go back and sit. I didn’t do it to avoid what I was going through, I did it to BE the experience rather than separate myself from it. I felt ALL of my agony fully and completely, I felt every inch and every ounce of it. I still am.
Not only has my meditation practice been crucial for my recovery, but my amazing family, friends and yoga communities welcomed me with open arms and open hearts. As word spread of my return, I received countless messages and phone calls offering love and support from all directions. Colorado, because of YOU I have discovered how deeply and fully I can love. Because of you, I am able to heal more completely. Words can’t describe the gratitude I have for all of the support you’ve given me. Thank you from the bottom of my full heart.
To my students in SF, Oakland and Berkeley– you will always have a piece of my heart, you are a big part of my story. I wouldn’t be the teacher that I am today without you and each of you was essential to my growth during my time with you. I couldn’t be more apologetic about my sudden disappearance, but please know how hard it was for me to leave without any proper goodbyes. You are always welcome to my classes if you make it out to the 303!!
I taught my first class this week, it felt like the whole gang was back together. I can’t quite describe the feeling I had of being in one of the first studios I ever taught in with many of my first students. It was electric to say the least.
My amazing parents who have been there for me without question or hesitation, have been of such help in nursing me back to health. Their patience and willingness to do whatever they can to support me impresses me more than words can say. I wouldn’t be able to put my life back together without them.
Stephanie, you are my angel. Your acts of kindness go above and beyond anything I ever could have dreamed of in a friend and I can’t wait to live together with all of our cat children.
At the end of the day, I feel more love and gratitude for this life and everyone in it. While I was very disappointed in how my relationship ended, it was THE MOST valuable relationship of my life in terms of spiritual growth. I was introduced to so many things that have so positively impacted who I am at the core of my being. This break-up has made me a much kinder and more patient person. I see this coming into play in each of my relationships, especially the one I have with myself. If I could give any advice to anyone, it would be that hitting rock bottom is just building the foundation for us to wake up and live more fully and lovingly in this world. Nothing is certain, nothing is forever and that knowledge is where our power lies.