I have written a few blogs since I’ve been back and haven’t posted them. I actually published one yesterday for the world to see and deleted it two hours later. I am having a serious problem blogging without letting my sadness and disappointment get in the way. The person that I love with all my heart exited my life last month in a very sudden, confusing and dramatic way. People keep asking me what happened and I don’t know how to answer. My recent posts, while I write them for my students, friends and coworkers to motivate and inspire them, have had hints of criticism and insult towards this person. The thing is, I work to write honestly and transparently. This person exiting my life was one the most devastating and important things that has ever happened to me. It has shaped who I am today and it will sting like a knife through my heart for a long time. I’m stuck because I feel it’s inappropriate for me to dish the details to the world. On the other hand, dishing my shit is what I do. So I’ve been conflicted.
There is so much that I don’t know or understand, but I will say this: the man that l loved and moved across the country for left my life one day. He left without explanation and never spoke to me again. I don’t know if he snapped, I don’t know where he went. His friends and family won’t give me any details. I have ideas, stories that I’ve made up as a way to reason some sanity into me, but I am unable to confirm them. My head and heart are f-u-c-k-e-d up. So that’s it, that’s all I know. For real.
This situation, this fucking mess of a situation forced me to rely on myself. I had to rely on myself to figure out what to do next. I had to figure out how to get back home and rebuild my life. I had to learn how to trust myself. Rather than learning how to, I actually fell into it fairly quickly, I was forced to. This notion that I can trust myself to figure things out has now become ingrained in me on a cellular level, I see how essential it is for cultivating success in this world. This is actually so much more than a notion or a belief, it’s something that is an absolute truth. All of us, we can trust ourselves and we have the power take care of ourselves; from there we can support others. Helping others is ultimately what it’s all about, it’s our dharma.
I begin teaching full-time next week. I will be commuting 100 miles round-trip from northern Colorado every day down to Denver, with a two-month plan to save up enough to get an apartment and furniture. Initially, this seemed incredibly daunting. I became overwhelmed with concerns about weather, gas costs and pretty much every obstacle I could think of. Reestablishing a self-sustained life in Denver will be one of the hardest, if not THE hardest thing I’ve ever done. After lots of time spent on the meditation cushion, I’ve realized that I am an incredibly strong and intelligent person when I am disciplined and choose to make good decisions.The only way that I will fail is if I stand in my own way and I am beyond tired of indulging in those habitual kinds of thoughts and behaviors.
As I continue to cultivate a deeper sense of trust in myself, I am noticing how I relate differently to work, relationships and money. I see how second guessing myself all the time gets in the way of clear thinking and seeing. As I gain greater focus and attention through meditation, I’m able to ignore habitual thoughts of self-doubt on the spot. It’s incredible really! It’s beyond empowering to live our lives while choosing to trust every decision we’ve made. And if it ends up being the wrong one, we can trust ourselves to work with that if it arises. We don’t live in a world that promotes self-trust, in fact, it is quite the opposite. It’s gross really, how corporations are turning us into zombie-like creatures who don’t have to think for themselves anymore. But you should think for yourself because only YOU know what’s best for YOU. When you synchronize mind and body in the same place through yoga, meditation, etc– you know EXACTLY what you’re doing and you can trust yourself. You’re on your A-game when mind and body are synchronized.
Creating more discipline in my life has been crucial in continuing to build this sturdy foundation of trust and confidence. I am working to renounce old behaviors that are my “go-to” when I don’t want to deal with reality. These are the behaviors that lead me to “stand in my own way”. Do you know what I mean by “stand in my own way”? These are the behaviors that I overindulge in that stop me from being my best self and ultimately manifesting success. For me, these are: drinking, lounging on the couch watching stupid TV, stress-eating, sleeping late to name a few. Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been a walk in the park working with being disciplined. My ego does not like being challenged in this way, it throws a fit every time I decide to do something else like: read, meditate, run, home practice, etc. But, BUT– when I end up being successful in choosing one of these ego-destructing activities, there is a lightness in knowing that I’m doing something that will benefit my future self. I sleep better at night when I know I’ve been productive in taking care of my future self; it happens from being present Deep down, we know what’s best for us. It just takes a hell of a lot of willpower and internal work to make it happen.
Discipline is hard, but it’s the only way that we can set ourselves up for success, IT WON’T BE HANDED TO US. I struggle internally EVERY DAY with making good choices. Discipline can bring more purpose and meaning into our lives and will immeasurably strengthen our sense of self-trust. It feels really good to get my ducks in a row. Mentally and emotionally I feel so strong because I trust that I’m not going to let myself down and for once I’m proving it to myself. If things don’t go according to plan, I trust in my ability to work with whatever situation comes up.
I got a new car today. My grandmother passed a few months ago and an inheritance allowed for this to come to fruition. I am extremely lucky to have had a mode of transportation fall into my lap and it represents a fresh start for me. It’s a bit of an overwhelming responsbility, but I trust myself to take care of it. I trust myself to take care of my mind and my body in a way that will allow me to get up early every day and drive to Denver and show up at my best. I trust myself to be diligent with my money and save up to get an apartment and furniture. For the first time in my life, I trust myself to work hard in shaping the successful life that I know I’m capable of earning. Through my success, I will help to support others in their journey, and they can in turn help others and so on…
We can all be vehicles for change in this world by learning to trust in our inherent goodness and wisdom. Self-doubt and the behaviors that come along with it are too easy. Trust in yourself to create good karma for you and everyone that you come into contact with. I believe in us!